I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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