apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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