in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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