Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
