I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
