it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
