My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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