He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
