I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
