I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
