Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
