there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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