I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
