I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
