that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
