I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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