Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
