I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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