I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
