hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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