I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
