If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
