but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
