Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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