I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.