Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.