So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑