Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
