so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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