Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
