she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
