At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I want her autograph on my taint
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
