I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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