Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm always down for nudity.
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