She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
