you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
