I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
