You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I got inside last night via doggy door
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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