my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
