found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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