now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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