I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
