my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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