My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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