You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
