Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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