I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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