Your mouth is God's brothel.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
