I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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