I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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