I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What a dumb baby whore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
