she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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