So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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