That's intense
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
